Thursday, February 27, 2014

a mother's misconnection

 Dear bmx boys at the park,
While you built your ramp and practiced your jumps today, I found myself wanting to yell 'I have two bikes tattooed on my body', but instead I just sat there cleaning up my daughters poopy diaper and soothing my son who kept on crying 'all done' anytime you did a trick because he was afraid you were getting hurt. I found myself wanting to fit in the conversation that I rode my bike off a ramp into a lake when I was pregnant with my son, so that maybe you could see a trace of something in me that once resembled 'hardcore', but instead I just ducked my head as I walked by hoping you wouldn't notice that I haven't showered in days. As i thanked y'all for letting us watch, I tried to hide the fact that I was nursing my daughter, not because I am modest, but because I am embarrassed by my deflated breasts that seem to sag for eternity. I wanted you to know that I once had a tight body, one that resembled my active lifestyle, but somehow since the traumatic birth of my daughter gravity has intensified and I've aged a decade. 
Thinking about it now, I don't need you to know any of this. I do. I need to remember that although this is what I do, it's not who I am. 

Sincerely, 
the ragged mom at the park who desperately wanted you to hold her babies so she could ride your bike


this picture was taken of me by doug a couple months ago

This was my Facebook status today, and seeing as it's the most i've been able to verbalize in the past couple months I thought I would share it with y'all as well. Being a mother is tricky business ... heck! being a person is tricky business! love, andrea

(p.s. i should probably mention when i did jump off that ramp is was VERY early in my pregnancy and i am an experienced cyclist and jumper-off-of-things... aka 'don't try this at home kids')

6 comments:

  1. Andrea you are beautiful and amazing and I bet once your sweet babies get a little older you will be right back to where you want to be. I always thought you were a bad ass bike lady who didn't take any bullshit, and I still do.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh bless... i know this tricky feeling well... and i only have one baby!
    Sometimes i wonder who i will be once my kid/s are out in the world being independent... it's a crazy business! X

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh I hear you! I'm a mountain biker and with an 11 month old son, I just don't get the time to ride any more. I feel so disconnected, like I'm not 'me' anymore. It sucks. Hang in there, I hope it gets better for you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Awesome! Although I'm not a super cool trickster biker like yourself, I have just totally fallen for the biking bug, and with my children now grown a bit more- the youngest is four- I feel like I have a bit more time/permission to sneak out on the bike for me time. The demands of breast feeding and nappies are a thing of the past and as much as I loved that stage, it's nice to be free in my own body again. It will come.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I often find myself feeling the same way when I'm pushing a stroller down the city streets and I see/hear remnants of my former life, pre-kids. I'm no biker or anything, but deep in my heart I plan to revive my old self to it's fullest potential once my children are old enough to look after themselves for a few hours. In the meantime, I'll hang on desperately to the bits and pieces I can while nurturing them to be awesome humans.

    ReplyDelete