Friday, August 16, 2013

Here's the thing about divorce


If you've been a reader of this blog for a while, perhaps you've wondered why John and I aren't married.  We are about to be the parents of two children, we own a house together and it just so happens that we are madly in love.
Actually, to tell the truth, I'm not totally sure what his feelings on it are.  Marriage really hasn't been an issue.  We haven't gotten to the point in our relationship that we've even discussed it too much (other than of course to say if we have a wedding we will definitely be giving out 'John & Andrea 4eva' Koozies).

The thing about divorce is, it makes marriage then feel cheap.  It loses it's value.  I rarely regret any of my decisions in life as I think they have all made me who I am today.  But occasionally when I think of John, I regret that I have ever been married. I wish that it is something I could give him that I hadn't ever given to someone else.  I wish that he could be the first and only person to ever use the word 'wife' when referring to me.  (oh dear, here I go ... crying. Oh pregnancy.  Don't be too touched, yesterday I cried at this).  

Divorce terrifies me.  Really it does.  Have you been divorced? Then you know.  If your experience is anything like mine then you know, it is one of the most lonely times in your life.  A time that you will have to continually fight for what you know is right against almost every person in your life that is trying to argue with you, claiming 'God's will'.  I find it interesting how many people think they knew god's will for my life.
That's another aspect to why divorce is so lonely, you aren't just breaking up with your husband and his family, you are breaking up with all of y'alls friends and communities.  And don't be shocked that if you are the one actually pulling the trigger on the whole divorce, that none of them will understand or want any part of you after it's over.
It's a heart breaking experience.
But probably also one of the best times in your life.
Wait, what? you may wonder.

Here's the other thing about divorce that you don't understand if you haven't been through it.   You are done mourning the relationship.  As opposed to all the people who just found out about your divorce who are broken hearted, want to sit around and cry and hash-it-out, you just want to celebrate.  You've been broken hearted.  You've cried.  You've made his favorite dinner in lingerie.  You've gone to the book stores in your hoodie and sunglasses to hide in the self-help section.  You've prayed and begged to god to change things.  You've cried yourself to sleep less than two feet away from this person for more nights than you'd like to admit.  You've done it all. And you of all people do not take your decision lightly.  So, by the time you actually pull the plug on your marriage, you're done mourning. You've done that. You are ready to start fresh.  
It's actually incredibly liberating. and scary. and wonderful.

Actually, I'll explain something else that might seem strange to some.  This is why so many of us jump into relationships the second our marriage ends.  We've been sad for so long, secretly alone in a union that was supposed to be our 'family'.  We are craving attention.  Craving to actually have a man want to hold us, want  to rub our feet and honestly, want  to have sex with us.  Dying to have a genuine compliment, one that was not asked for first.
(These relationships normally end quickly.  But, I personally never would call mine a 'rebound'.  The man I dated for a year after my marriage ended, although we are no longer are in touch, I will always view as one of the greatest friends of my life).   


Where am I in this post? am I rambling? I actually have no idea what this whole topic has to do with anything, other than I just woke up with it on my mind. 
Here's the deal with divorce.  The time for advice and counseling is before the marriage begins, by the time the divorce is happening the only good thing another person can offer is support.  


Now, I will come out of 2009, the year of my divorce and back into the present.  
Back to my amazing relationship, which is perfect.  
The truth is, most of the time when I think about marrying John, It's because I don't want to be viewed differently in mommy groups.  I don't want to have to explain that Yes, my boyfriend is the father of both my children.  I don't want to be left out of the amazing-ring-on-your-left-hand-club.  I want pictures of him in a tux and me in a white dress. 
But sometimes, when I think of marriage, my thoughts are of wanting to be as committed as possible to this man.  Thoughts of how madly in love with him I am.  Thoughts of wanting to call him my husband in private.  Thoughts of anniversaries and grandchildren.  In these moments, I know I will marry him some day, even if it is in secret and only for ourselves.

  

 

12 comments:

  1. I feel you.

    I'm pretty fortunate that my current person was also previously married, so I don't feel like I owe her the wedding experience. We've both been there and know it's not something we want to do again, even if it is with each other this time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's so nice to be on the same page with your partner. Marriage is so weird isn't it? the way so much of it is the 'wedding experience' quite bizarre. Thanks love.

      Delete
  2. In my experience, as someone who has been married, divorced, and remarried, I know exactly how you feel. I rushed into my first marriage, and was truly heartbroken when things fell apart. For years I felt off balance, as if someone had pulled the rug out from under me. I lost faith and everything that is associated with it. I was vilified and ostracized for so many things that were truly in God's hands (if those exist).

    I knew I would never get married again and spent many years not wanting to love or be loved. Even after meeting my current partner, all I could do is look for reasons that they weren't right for me. Lucky for me, I had an incredible experience where-in I knew this was the person I wanted to be by my side when I looked death in the face (hopefully many years into the future). It's been 10 years since my heart was broken in two, and there are still days that it still hurts. However, I know I've made the right decision now because of the comfort I feel in the presence of my partner, even when they know why I'm hurting. No jealousy, just love.

    It really sounds as if you have had that experience in your heart and you know this is the right person for you. Don't worry about anything other than that. You'll know when you're ready.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for this comment and sharing your experience with me. It's so encouraging. lots of love <3

      Delete
  3. This may be my most favorite post of yours. You speak the truth--I can feel that. Thank you. (Also, will you please come decorate my house and give me a makeover?) Btw one of my closest friends has been with her man for 15 years, they have two kids who are 3 and 5, and they're tying the knot this fall. It's all good, you know?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love stories like that! so romantic. When we got pregnant with Redding, many people wanted John and I to get married, But I didn't want my child to ever have any doubt as to why we got married. I didn't want him to ever think marriage was something you went into out of obligation.
      I'd love to decorate your house! I'm afraid I'm not too good at makeovers though ... I always to a little too much creative liberty :)

      Delete
  4. It is really touchy.. Sorry to hear that.. anyway, I hope you may have a nice and wonderful life forever...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is one of the nicest hopes for me. :) thank you!

      Delete
  5. Your post was just so spot on for me and my experience with divorce/ starting a new relationship. I got married earlier than my friends, and then went through my divorce when they were all getting married and having babies. It felt so lonely and like I didn't have any peers to truly understand what I was going through. And you're right, loss of friendships and the community you built as a couple is so darn hard! Even now, 4 years later! But life and love go on and get better and better! Thanks for writing such an honest and thoughtful post!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your post was just so spot on for me and my experience with divorce/ starting a new relationship. I got married earlier than my friends, and then went through my divorce when they were all getting married and having babies. It felt so lonely and like I didn't have any peers to truly understand what I was going through. And you're right, loss of friendships and the community you built as a couple is so darn hard! Even now, 4 years later! But life and love go on and get better and better! Thanks for writing such an honest and thoughtful post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you so much, it's so wonderful to hear responses like this. It's nice to know you are not alone in your experiences, you know. Thanks girl

      Delete
  7. I've "known" you for years (our parents go to the same church) and always felt like I could totally relate to you in so many ways. Reading this post, though I've never been married, is spot on with how I feel about marriage. Great for you and your desire to enjoy and love every moment of being in love with someone without the pressure of marriage. You two are great (from what I've seen from the blogs and pictures I've seen).

    ReplyDelete