Saturday, January 19, 2013

You Just don't know how good it CAN be.

Redding is asleep and John has gone out for the evening. So it is just me, curling up with a dark beer and my thoughts on this cold evening (I realize how much more romantic it would be if I said 'cup of tea' ... but a beer is just the truth).

I've had something on my mind a lot over the last month.  I've been going through this with two girlfriends.  They have different circumstances in different cities, but the same problem.  One that I too, am guilty for wasting lots of precious time over.  And that is, well ... to put it bluntly, not breaking up with that damn loser!
Or not loser. but guy. that guy who is... ok, but let's face it, not good enough for you!

You somehow got attached. You've gone through some traumatic event together perhaps. You've bonded. And sometimes he really does make you laugh and bring you flowers (or cheese, depending on the girl).  But some days, most days actually, in the words of one of my dear girlfriends, "He just rains on my parade." 
And she didn't mean that in a 'I want to go out and party every night and he just wants to sleep on the couch.' (although I've totally dated that guy!) 
She meant it in a 'I-am-so-happy-and-he-is-just-always-yelling' kind of way. Ugh! Why do we women (or men) put up with it???

Well, in the words of a very wise woman: "Katie" (she said to her daughter, my bff) "you just don't know how good it can be." 
When katie told me this she was home for the holidays, and we were discussing how effing amazing our relationships are, and how we never realized (until now) that all the previous ones were so sub-par!

It definitely hit home for me. I think that is why I stayed in so many relationships trying and TRYING to make it work. To make us happy. To make us 'that perfect couple'.  But it never happened. And it never was. Because it just wasn't a fit.  
I had absolutely NO clue how good it could be.  That I could be in a relationship with a man who not only completed me as a person but who also inspires me to be my most individual self.  Who made me happy, not just in himself, but mostly because he encourages me to make myself happy. Now this is good. And I just didn't know it could be like this.  (Would I have listened if someone told me? Probably not, but maybe ...)

So, why am I writing about this?  Partly because it wears on you to be the ear to those stubborn friends trying day after day to make it work with that loser ... who SURPRISE! never stops being a loser!  And in order to be a good ear, you can only be so honest ... "hmm, that was so mean of him. It really doesn't sound like he's changing. Oh, he's trying? Well yeah, I guess that is good.  Well, just be clear with your boundaries" (you know the drill ... maybe because you've been on both sides of it like me).

Here on the internet though, I can be completely honest to you. Yes you ... who is not breaking up with that guy because you're trying so hard to make him fit your wants and needs.  Just break up with him already! Because trust me, there is better out there and you have no idea how good it CAN be!

(disclosure: I'm not saying you won't have bad days, weeks or even years with that perfect person.  Of course you will, I'm just saying A bad year with the right person sure would exceed a good life with the wrong one).


<3
andrea

15 comments:

  1. I really like this post. (Hear, hear to the dark beer!)I read it 3 times to make sure I didn't miss anything. I think you hit some very valid points. I'm a little jealous of what you and your man must have. My husband is not a loser, in fact he is a great provider but we don't fit the we use to. I'm so much different than when we first met & he doesn't seem to be willing to accept the shift that happened in my soul as I grew up & became a mama. I'm hoping that what you said about having bad year (or 3) with the right person is our issue & things will work themselves out so that we both can be happy & together. Sorry to go all crazy in your comments. Cheers mama.

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    1. thank you so much for such an honest comment. You know it must be so tricky to know when you've changed so much that you don't 'fit' anymore and when it's just the newness wearing off. I've got to be honest, I've never been in a relationship long enough to have that. My man and I are just now hitting the two year mark. BUT, I do know that from the beginning he always felt right in my soul. Where as my relationship with my ex husband was always a struggle (a struggle to find something to do, a struggle to find something to talk about, a struggle to be 'intimate', a struggle to know what to have for dinner ... everything was off).
      I think that when we get to a point that things are changing, we are changing and it is no longer new and fresh, I'll be able to get through any doubts I might have by looking back to the beginning and remembering how much calmness and peace he brought me. Does that make sense? I don't know. eh? Talk to me in five more years.

      But, the best of luck with your man. have you considered some kind of therapy? I am a BIG fan of couples therapy, helping you to open up with each other again. maybe something to look in to?

      All I know, is only you and him no what its like behind closed doors. It leaves no room for anyone else to make judgement calls.

      not connecting with the person you're living with has got to be the most difficult thing, so my heart is definitely with you right now!

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    2. Thank you for your sweet reply. I've thought about couples therapy, I've just been too scared to do it but it maybe time for me to get over it and make the call. So thank you again. xo

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  2. I love this. It's the advice I wish you could have told my teenage self and that I hope my daughter will listen to. You said it so well. After far too long trying far too hard to please I gave up and waited and along came the absolutely right man. I just wish I didn't have to cringe about days past!

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    1. I agree with all of this. I am actually in therapy right now, and we are working a lot on how not to 'cringe about the past' ... something I can definitely do in my rational mind, but it's so tricky not to get really insecure about the way I used to be and (some of) the people I used to date.

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  3. I liked this post, very true and honest. :]

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  4. I love this post; it's so true! I always used to stay with guys who were "nice enough" but so...negative! It brought me down. When I met my current partner, I was shocked at just how good it could be. :) Very true words, m'am.

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    1. yes! negativity can be so awful. depression by osmosis! I believe it!

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  5. Amen! That is exactly what I've been thinking since I've starting dating my boyfriend. My ex husband was just so unbelievably terrible. I had nooo idea how wonderful it was to date a really great guy!

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    1. oh yay for you! it's so hard to get out of marriages (I think people don't give divorcees enough credit!)

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  6. So glad you posted this! I've had many relationships where it's just always "trying" for something, not ever knowing what. Ever since I began dating my fiance, everything just made sense. It made me feel idiotic for staying in horrible relationships for so many years. (Or, even if they weren't necessarily horrible, just not worth the stress.) It definitely gets frustrating listening to your friends' problems that seem so easily fixable. JUST BREAK UP! JUST MOVE ON! But we were once those people, too! Either way, I am glad you found someone who completes and compliments you! It's such a wonderful feeling. <3

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  7. This really hit home for me and its something i think about quite often. Thank you

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  8. I love this post Andrea! I just want to hug John and tell him thank you for being awesome! 'A bad year with the right person sure would exceed a good life with the wrong one' This is absolutely true! Alan and I will have been together 9 years (dating/married combo) this summer and we call ourselves 'team fantastica' and whenever we go through some tough times and get through it together we say we are on the next level, like in a video game. Anyways, the point is, yes, they should be growing up with you and lifting you up otherwise you're wasting your time, get out of there! I hope your friend sees the light very soon!

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  9. I just wanted to say that I come back to this post often (maybe every couple of months) because it never stops being encouraging. I was brave enough to get rid of the loser, no regrets! And so the parts where you address that are affirming. But sometimes I just need the reminder that with the right person it's magical, even when it's hard, and it will be worth it to wait for the real thing, not get bogged down by another loser. Thank you!!

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