Well, today is a bizarre day, my post from a few weeks ago titled 'We Can Do it' has gone slightly viral (ok, not viral like millions, but you know ... viral, for me). I have no point in mentioning this other then it's on my mind. BUT, what was on my mind before that, which I intended to write about was identity & motherhood.
I'd like to think my postpartum stage has pretty much ended ...not just because I've resumed my womanly cycle (yay?), but also because I stopped crying everyday (yay!). However, when I do cry, I'll let john hold me as I sigh 'I just don't know (*hiccup) who I (sob) am annnnnymore'! I think this puzzles him, because he just seemed to fall into his role as a father so gracefully, well, or that's the way it looks to me.
But, seriously y'all! I know to you older moms out there, this is just old news. BUT, to those of y'all who haven't had your first child yet, it's like this ... jr. high. Really, though. Remember, that feeling? Not being comfortable in your own skin? Not sure of what kind of girl you were going to be (a punk? a geek? a prep?) Not even sure how to talk. or walk. or what to wear. or how to dance. And constantly wondering if everyone is judging your every move.
Then your twenties roll around and it takes almost the full decade to become not only comfortable with your flat chest and round hips, but to actually love them. You realize it's ok to listen to The Ramones in the morning and Celine Dion at night (eeek!) You become comfortable with the life choices you've made. You are comfortable with how you dress, your blue hair and your choices in body mutilations.
And then you have a baby.
It's not that you even dislike your post-pregnant body... its just that every time you look in the mirror and your boobs are hanging 3 inches lower then they previously did, you don't recognize it as your own.
And, as much as I love my blue hair, sometimes i wonder... shouldn't i have a mom-do?
How does andrea dress as a mom?
How does andrea talk as a mom?
How does andrea dance as a mom?
and maybe (probably) none of these things have to be different than they were, but that doesn't change the fact that you contemplate them, feel insecure about them, wonder if others are judging you over them. (Were those women in the baby store this morning thinking redding had an accident because i have tattoos? WERE THEY?!????? ... no, probably not. But the thought still pops up).
I'm hoping this stage won't be quite as long and awkward as my teenage years.
You know what though? maybe there is a catch. Remember how exciting it was to be a 16? you had the possibility of being whoever you wanted. Maybe this can just be another excuse to reinvent yourself and get to know yourself even better... not for anyone else, but for you.
and now I feel good... peaceful and calm, but talk to me again in an hour when I try to put on a swimsuit. :)
happppppppy wednesday darlings!
and happy reinventing yourself!
p.s. here, listen to one of my favorite songs... guaranteed to brighten your day or your money back :)